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10 ENCOUNTERS

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SHARON WEI

Encounter #1: The one I loved abroad

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You used your fingers to trace the outlines of my face 

To transcend my physicality to something abstract

As if the memory of my full cheeks could continue to make you full 

Marveling at all my concaves and constellations  

The shape and thickness of the lips you once kissed 

 

But my soul remembers the outline of yours 

Tracing the spark where they intersected 

A warm flame

A consuming fire

One that burns itself out

How gentle the touch of your voice vibrating my very presence

The sound of your sadness and indifference politely asking, bluntly admitting, hysterically screaming

Wanting to be heard

The music that escaped your character 

The poetry that spilled from your veins

The self-destruction that comforted you 

 

Outlines of faces you will forget

But the way that your soul colored mine 

Introduced me to a hue never seen before

One of such mesmerizing character 

I could drown in it

I still drown in it

Purely in the memory of it

Encounter #2: Our first fight

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She had a hatred for her own brave desperation

For the self-control she lacked

Childish

For the messages she couldn’t un-send

Impulsive

For the emotions boiling under, overflowing into words, actions

Chaotic

 

Raw was her disposition

With a terrifying sting of honesty

as she bared herself naked to the world

 

Crazy

She was absolutely mad

But no one deserved her

And she deserved no one

Encounter #3: Parting ways

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I chose to love the wind

To depend on its gentleness 

Its soothing voice in my ear

Its tender touch against my skin

Its smoothness under my fingertips 

Knowing from the start that it couldn't last

A ticking countdown

But the end came earlier than expected 

Unprepared, I wanted desperately to feel that breath on me again

I waited, I looked, I fought

I cried rivers until I was empty

An emptiness that refused to be filled

Rejecting any source of joy

It was gone

Gone away to please another lover 

And despite this

I still can't justify hating the wind

Its only desire is to please

No discrimination 

Yet that's not what I wanted

I wanted preference

Because loving everyone 

Meant loving no one 

Encounter #4: Lingering ghosts

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I smell your scent everywhere 

In short passing phases 

Your fragrance engulfs me

And I turn

Heart racing

Desperately, Frantically

Searching for your face

Scanning crowds for your familiarity 

Before I realize it's just 

My senses 

Compensating for missing you 

For losing you 

Your lasting souvenir 

Encounter #5: It’s called a rebound for a reason

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I laid next to you 

Unaware of the hurricane of thoughts 

That tormented your mind 

Satisfied with the small breeze of words 

When holding your hand

My chin upon your shoulder 

While your mind was with someone else 

We couldn't be closer 

Yet everything that mattered to us

was worlds apart 

Encounter #6: Men as bandages

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I am nobody's sacrificial lamb

I should not have to bleed to show anyone

How much, how deep 

My feelings live within me 

They're rooted in my very bones 

like the natural laws 

That purely exist 

Do not beg me to prove them 

I cannot 

I will not spend time chasing you 

To validate my worth 

By first validating yours 

I will not buy into that selfishness 

Because I do not see the beauty 

In the need to lose myself to find you, to fix you

I will not stay if you don't give me a reason to

Because I am not a reaction to you 

I am my own fucking force 

So reap my wrath

My consuming embrace

My curing empathy

My consistent fire

But remember that 

I am not your comfort

I am my own 

And my very presence 

Is a blessing in and of itself 

Encounter #7: Rejection is hard both ways

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To the boy I let go 

You will find someone good 

Someone who can make smiles spread across your lips, untainted happiness 

Someone you can marry secrets with, tickles down your spine

And wake up at dawn feeling wanted

Belonging, like this space was made for you

And I will still be here

In the same spot where I asked you to leave

Searching desperately to find something 

To fill this void 

I couldn't fill it with you 

I wouldn't 

So yes, it may hurt now 

Unexplainable rejection

But this momentary pain 

Is in a sense a protection from the hell

You'd go through with me 

I am sorry 

I can't be the guiding light you need 

Or the warm body to make you less cold

You are all that for yourself

And me, merely a witness 

But ultimately

I want you to remember I didn't let you go

I set you free

Encounter #8: My self-hatred

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I hate myself

Are the words I whispered

When I reached rock bottom

They filled the room

Echoing wall to wall

Mimicking my self-destruction

The final stop

I swam against the current

In the quest for unattainable affection

Pure exhaustion

Drafting myself for war

Foolishly thinking we were a team

Well-intentioned denial

So here I stand at the end of the road

With my reflection in front of me

And this person looking back at me

I don't love her

Encounter #9: Healing

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I overflow

Overflow with excess

Overbearing

I suffocate my surroundings

But mainly myself

I drown

Collapsing under the weight

A old soul

Carrying emotions so heavy

I'm burdened by the tear-stained skin

Trembling lips

Aching body

The kind of pain I can't pinpoint

I can't treat it

Lost in my own oblivion

My sad eyes hiding behind shallow smiles

Fighting desperately to be seen

And desperately to unseen

My dreams, previously my escape

Are now an extension of my grief

There is no avoiding this pain

No medication to dull

No pills to treat

No doctors to assure, to understand

There is just me

Standing in the middle of this hurricane

A kite waiting to be swept up once again

Bracing myself for the winds that will overtake me

This world is too rough for my flower-like disposition

Far too harsh for something so delicate

On the outside she was a warrior with a hard shell

But hidden deep she was tender, soft, darling

And she wanted you to see

She wanted you to consume

But the warm fires became too rough

No longer a source of heat but of burns

Her vulnerability scorched her

But she wanted to share her scars

With the few who could see the beauty in survival

But the tender hands that would graze her wounds could transform into fingernails ripping her apart

She could still taste the mouths of people who whispered poisoned promises

Who offered temporary comfort

Who's momentary presence provided more prolonged pain than this short-lived joy

Yet she refused to believe that sharing was a weakness

But it is a risk

One that she bravely wanted to take

Battle scar after battle scar

And there must've been some sort of beauty in that

Maybe a stupid kind of beauty

The knowledge of being so susceptible, so sensitive to pain yet hoping, praying for embrace

A heart that was gentle despite the trauma

A soul that was heavy with sadness yet could fly

And just like that she was two extremes

Simplicity and complexity

Guarded yet naked

Dead and alive

So

So

Alive

Encounter #10 : Me

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Be attached to nothing

For attachments hold you back 

From being present 

From being alive 

From being free 

Welcome the creativity 

Without marrying any idea

Explore this world 

Without an intention of settling

Open your heart to love 

Without sinking your claws in

Because you are not a cage 

Locking in your visitors 

Creating a collection of places

A museum of art

But in the process 

Shackling yourself 

You are freedom

So set everything free 

Drown in the experience 

Your feelings bringing you deeper and deeper

And then

Let go

Release your grasp

White knuckles are not beautiful

But you are 

Say goodbye

So you can be open for more

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